Eyerollingmom’s Top Ten Truths of Motherhood

10)        Every child – not just yours – picks his nose and smears the contents on the wall near their bed.  A brilliant Mom will allow them to harden, then hand over a scraper, then say, “Get to work.”

9)         No matter how stinking cute your toddler looks in his feetie pajamas … you will want to be rid of him approximately twelve years later. Keep photos of this stage handy.  You will need reminders when he travels to the un-cute side of adolescence.

8)         The first few times you sit in the passenger seat of a newly-permitted teen driver, the roadside mailboxes will cause instantaneous sweat.

7)         When a child wets the bed … flipping him over to the opposite side of the mattress is intelligence, not laziness.

6)         Adolescent girls like no one.  Not their mothers.  Not their friends.  Not themselves.  Zip yourself snug into that thick skin and hold on tight.  For this tsunami of time I remember my mantra, “Got girls?  Get wine.”

5)         No one – at any time – ever – cares to hear your labor and delivery stories.  Why?  Because everyone else’s are way funnier, far more dramatic and significantly gorier.  Really.  Just ask them.

4)         If your child ever has the utter misfortune of eating poop … and his siblings have the serendipitous good fortune of witnessing it … there will never again be a more riot-inducing laugh fest at your dinner table.  Forever.

3)         Don’t act all smart and self-righteous for banning your ‘tween son from Facebook … or limiting his computer time … or taking away his Xbox … when you’ve already (naively) provided him with a smartphone.  For middle schoolers, these are merely handheld portals to porn.  Shazam.

2)         If you’ve skipped pages of bedtime stories … or driven past the library only to hear a small voice in the backseat say in wonder, “Hey, I think I remember that place …” … or signed homework pages you’ve not actually looked at … then rest assured, you are far from alone.

1)         Every once in a while your kid is going to do something incredibly stupid.  Or sorrowfully bad.  Or dishearteningly immoral.  Or fretfully embarrassing.  Or uncharacteristically out of character.  Without question, it will be the darkest days you’ve ever encountered as a Mom.  You will be overcome with sadness and will wistfully recall the good times, the fun moments, and the sweetness of happier days.  Keep the faith.  Sometimes kids are just dumb for a little while.  One day when you least expect it, when you stop paying attention, and stop longing and praying, the clouds will suddenly lift.  And your awesome and funny and beautiful and charming and loving child will be back.

And you will feel the Mom joy once again.

Happens every time.

Happy Mother’s Day to All of us!

Tina Drakakis blogs at Eyerollingmom and has been featured in Huff Post.  She appeared in the Boston production of “Listen to Your Mother: Giving Motherhood a Microphone” presenting her popular essay The Thinking Girl’s Thongand her work has been featured in NPR’s “This I Believe” radio series. That said, she still places “Most Popular 1984” on top of her list of achievements (next would be the $100,000 winner on that home improvement reality TV show of 2003 but her kids won’t let her talk about that anymore). A witty mother of four, she takes on cyberspace as @Eyerollingmom on Twitter and Eyerollingmom on Facebook  &  @Eyerollingmom on Instagram.  Her collection of essays, A Momoir, can be found  here (agent interest ALWAYS WELCOME!)