Tag Archives: funny

You’re Number 1 (… and so are YOU, and YOU and …)

flips

 

 

I’ve been paying close attention to the ubiquitous catchphrase “Millennials,” which refers to the new crop of young adults who will be entering the workforce and taking over for the tens of thousands of retiring baby boomers.  Born between 1980 and 1995,  it seems this group has had the dubious distinction of being coddled their entire life and has subsequently spent the last two decades hearing doting parents and teachers alike insist “You’re special!” and “You’re number one!”

Funny.  It turns out if kids hear something like this long enoug,h kids tends to believe it:  according to the grumblings this future working class apparently has little regard for authority and worse, a less than reverent approach to protocol and procedure.  Look out people:  when the Millennials take over, flip flops on Fridays will be the least of their demands.

I’m becoming increasingly interested in this subject for a couple of reasons.  First off, my husband’s profession is smack-dab within employee recognition and – specifically – employee retention.  This oncoming cattle rush of E-Bay employees willing to take their services to the highest bidder whenever something doesn’t go their way concerns a corporate America that relies heavily on longevity and loyalty.  But that’s just him and his white collar world.  My main motivation for concern lies in the significant fact that I am presently nurturing two creatures that fall into this well, coddled category:  yep; teenagers.

For the record, I believe my kids are far from coddled.  I’d like to think I’m doing my part to keep society sane because – get a load of this: I don’t give my kids whatever they ask for — but it turns out I’m not exactly the majority.  Some days I feel as if I’m swimming against a tide of teenage entitlement because absurd entitlement abounds elsewhere in their lives.

On town ball fields my kids learned to play scoreless soccer.  Seriously.  Did it ever occur to anyone that if kids are old enough to understand the rules of a team sport…  they might also be able to count the number of times a ball gets kicked into a net?  And while official play books are manned and statistics are recorded during their little league games, nope, there’s no score kept there either.  Everybody plays.  Everybody runs around the bases. Everybody gets a big shiny trophy at the end of the season – just for participating.  For real.

I recently attended a school concert which began with not one but four vocal solos in a row.  None were outstanding.  At first I thought it was me; perhaps my benchmarks for preteen warbling were unrealistic (damn that dreaded “American Idol”) or worse, perhaps I’m completely tone deaf from all my screaming about chores.  When I casually looked around and saw other parents with pained, confused expressions, I knew it wasn’t just me.  While it was uncomfortable enough to sit through, it was more mind-boggling when the reason became clear:  those teenage girls were shamelessly standing alone at a microphone simply because they had asked to.  No exceptional talent was required because really, everyoneone is talented, right?

My kids have stayed after school to “finish” taking tests.   They’ve also taken a test and then have re-taken it again and again until the grade is acceptable to them.  Whatever happened to “time’s up/pencils down”?  And where were these teachers twenty-five years ago when I was taking my Calculus final?

It may not take a village but it’s certainly going to take more than just me to get things turned around here.  If I’m willing to endure round-the-clock declarations of unfairness or continuous accusations of “worst mom ever” I’d like a little support from the trenches.

I don’t need Dr. Phil; I just need other parents (and maybe the occasional coach or music teacher) to band with me and tell these kids that real life provides rewards for hard work.

And it is NOT okay to return to our homes indefinitely once college is over (God help me).

And there IS something wrong with showing up late to work.

And by the power of Thor, flip flops are always going to be wrong, wrong, wrong in a cubicle.

 

For daily snark and snippets, follow Eyerollingmom on Facebook & Twitter!

A Fleeting Fame

 

 

tradingspaces

Disclaimer:  My experience on a reality television show, while seemingly a lifetime ago, still makes for a good story.  Since there are no surly teenagers nearby me to screech, “Nooooooo….not again, Mom!” I’m going to share it  Yes, it was a loooong time ago, and yes, I believe Paige Davis may have fallen into a black hole since then, but it was at the height of popularity when our “Trading Spaces: $100 Grand!”  two-hour special aired.  And yes, it was (high-pitched-soprano-voice) AWESOME.

 

 

A long time ago in a career far, far away I got into a little skirmish with Geraldo.  I was a publicist, he was, well, Geraldo, and the whole he-said/she-said thing landed on the front page of Daily Variety.  There it was, in black and white:  my name, my title and my quote.  My quote!   Hence, my very first brush with fame.  While it was relatively small-scale (I mean seriously, how many people – especially those of us on the East coast – actually read Variety?), it was a professional feather in my cap that tickled me ridiculously and caused my boss to seethe.  Naturally, I faxed the story to everyone I knew (this being the time when Geraldo was a media presence, of course there was no e-mail), and held onto it for years.

 

Fast-forward a dozen years, and with the help of a little reality-television show, I found myself in the throes of celebrity again, only this time in a brave new world.  Plucked from obscurity, I was given a spotlight of national attention and enough local publicity to humble a politician.  Still, it had never occurred to me that along with my fifteen minutes of fame came a little thing called, ummm,  opinion. Have I mentioned that everybody’s got one – along with a computer?  Had I known that I could evoke such passionate opinions from people I most certainly would have spent a lot less time worrying about the dungaree shorts I chose to wear for the filming of my television stint.

On the show’s website, throughout its wildly popular message boards were beautiful sentiments from virtual strangers: Raves (loved the show!).  Cheers (loved you!). Kudos (congratulations!).  But alas, like the envious boss who didn’t get acknowledgment, sprinkled throughout these well-wishes was an eye-opening array of not-so-happy campers.  At first it was funny. (Okay, at first I didn’t spot my name).  But after continued reading (equate it to picking at dried glue on your fingers – when does one actually stop?) it became mildly horrifying.

“Get off the computer,” my husband pleaded.  I was addicted.

“Did you read what this guy wrote? That is so WRONG!”   He’d simply shake his head.  He knew I had crossed over.

 

According to one eagle-eyed viewer, I was apparently wealthy, therefore rendering me unworthy of the good fortune bestowed on my family.  (This perception usually draws great fits of laughter from my family, close friends and the checkout clerk at the receiving end of my mountain of coupons each week.)  One anonymous viewer called me arrogant.  Arrogant?   I won a big prize, had the ever-present camera catch my gratuitous tears, and nearly died from the excitement of the whole experience.  Good God.  Then there was a woman who ranted to all the other message-board posters that I made her want to barf.  Barf?  In fairness, I was completely aware that the humidity that plagued filming had turned my hair into a Farrah-esque flashback for most my age, but barf?  That was uncalled for.

 

One of the show’s producers warned, “Oh, by the way, don’t go onto the message boards.  Those people are crazy.”  Yeah, we got that.  Too late.

 

My love/hate relationship with fame has left me far more understanding of the price that is paid by bona-fide celebs, and not just the flash-in-the-pan variety like myself.  It makes me realize how often I’ve become part of a heated discussion about one of the delightfully colorful cast of characters on the “Who Wants to Survive the Average Joe Millionaire” shows I tend to gravitate to on any given night.  It is with heavy heart that I think of all the times I purchased a steamy tabloid solely to gobble up the dirt that poor Britney had to endure this past week.  Now that I know how it feels to be utterly slammed, I am, of course, repentant.

“Were you on that show?”  The hairstylist’s grin has me marked as she escorts my daughter to a chair.  My nod is sheepish, but my alert mind is racing:  Oh, the bad press that could come out of this!  Is my hair combed?  Is my holiday-induced weight gain obvious?  How quickly can she call the newspaper to report a bad tip?

 

In the end, the five-dollar tip (for a ten dollar child’s haircut) is hidden in my fist as I go to thank her and depart.

“I loved it,” she giggles, and turns away.

For what it’s worth, I was a pretty good tipper before all this.

Why Xmas Cards Need Punchlines

My "New Year's" card from a few years ago. Too crazed to pull off a Xmas shoot, I bribed & threatened to get this shot. My crew STILL holds a grudge ... can't imagine why ....

My “New Year’s” card from a few years ago. Too crazed to pull off a Xmas shoot, I bribed & threatened to get this shot. My crew STILL holds a grudge … can’t imagine why .

 

I have chosen to NOT send out Christmas cards this year.  Again.  Last year I just couldn’t muster up the desire and the year before I thought it would simply be a nice respite.

Whaddaya know.  I think I may have stumbled onto a new favorite tradition.

I’ve spent many a snarky blog mocking Christmas letters (and – why don’t we simply put me on the express track to Hell – Christmas photos as well. Come on, you know you do, too.  I just say it out loud.  Shrug.)

But I really do love my idea of the Why-Can’t-We-All-Just-Be-A-Wee-Bit-Honest? anti-Christmas letter.  I wish they all sounded like mine:

I’d say with blatant bragging that my kids didn’t turn into trolls throughout the year and were still, in fact, good looking.  (Naturally if No-Shave November didn’t find my son looking like Wolverine I could’ve secured proof of this over Thanksgiving weekend when we were all together but no such luck.)

I’d reveal that I am secretly thrilled when my oldest son is at college … because his proclivity to starting his day at 3:30 to do errands when he’s home makes my hair fall out.

I’d express delight that my college-bound, environmentally impassioned daughter is poised to save the world one dolphin or blade of grass at a time … yet would rather hug a tree than any of her brothers … and that kinda sorta makes me mental.

I’d report that my middle-school sons are doing well in their school and sporting endeavors … but that their inability to decode and decipher common phrases like “Take you shoes off before coming in” and “Hang up that towel” worries me immeasurably.

I’d boast about my husband’s year of health and weight loss (again, not really a loss when it’s found by someone else, eh?) but to even the score I would definitely get in a few digs about my perpetually broken kitchen pendant light.  I’d then probably put it in print that I am holding firm on getting my downstairs painted this spring (and that this task will far take precedence over – pick one – a new snow blower, lawnmower and/or Patriots season tickets.  So there.)

I’d ramble on about our family vacation to Disney with a great group of friends and then embarrassingly admit I lost my youngest son within 5 minutes of entering the happiest place on Earth.  Yes.  Party of 14 people.  Lost child.  5 flippin minutes.

I’d divulge funny details about my job (that I love)  in an alternative middle/high school (Really?  I’m complaining about wet towels at home?  Really???) but then I’d share the far from humorous reality of having to keep the doors locked there now.

 

Scary times.

It’s best to just remember that our lives – and our livelihoods —  are merely temporary.

 

Why not laugh a little and focus on the daily, smaller smiles because really — one day real soon I may be missing those wet towels on the floor, right?

 

My family is healthy and my life is full of love and friends and laughter.  (And recycling.  Lots and lots of recycling because – haven’t you heard —  my daughter has turned into the Conservation Nazi.)

 

So, as I sit here watching “The Sound of Music”  (singing every word to “Climb Every Mountain” because, my gaaaaawd,  Mrs. Cazzaza made us sing it in elementary school,  I wish everyone the same:

 

Health, love, and (of course) recycling.

And laughter.

Lots and lots of laughter.

 

Merry Christmas everyone!

 

 

Follow & LIKE Eyerollingmom on Facebook:  www.facebook.com/eyerollingmom