Eyerollingmom’s Top Ten Truths of Motherhood
10) Every child – not just yours – picks his nose and smears the contents on the wall near their bed. A brilliant Mom will allow them to harden, then hand over a scraper, and say, “Get to work.”
9) No matter how stiinking cute your toddler looks in his feetie pajamas … you will want to be rid of him approximately twelve years later. Keep photos of this stage handy. You will need reminders when he travels to the un-cute side of adolescence.
8) The first few times you sit in the passenger seat of a newly-permitted teen driver, you will believe you might eat a roadside mailbox.
7) When a child wets the bed … flipping him over to the opposite side of the mattress is intelligence, not laziness.
6) Adolescent girls like no one. Not their mothers. Not their friends. Not themselves. Zip yourself snug into that thick skin and hold on tight. For this tsunami of time I say, “Got girls? Get wine.”
5) No one – at any time – ever – cares to hear your labor and delivery stories. Why? Because everyone else’s are way funnier, far more dramatic and significantly gorier. Really. Just ask them.
4) If your child ever has the utter misfortune of eating poop … and his siblings have the serendipitous good fortune of witnessing it … there will never again be a more riot-inducing laugh fest at your dinner table. Forever.
3) Don’t act all smart and self-righteous for banning your ‘tween son from Facebook … or limiting his computer time … or taking away his Xbox … when you’ve already (naively) provided him with a smartphone. For middle schoolers, these are merely handheld portals to porn. Shazam.
2) If you’ve skipped pages of bedtime stories … or driven past the library only to hear a small voice in the backseat say in wonder, “Hey, I think I remember that place …” … or signed homework pages you’ve not actually looked at … then rest assured, you are among greatness.
1) Every once in a while your kid is going to do something incredibly stupid. Or sorrowfully bad. Or dishearteningly immoral. Or fretfully embarrassing. Or uncharacteristically out of character. Without question, it will be the darkest days you’ve ever encountered as a Mom. You will wistfully recall the good times, the fun moments, and the sweetness of happier days. And then …. when you least expect it, when you stop paying attention, and stop longing and praying, the clouds will suddenly lift. And your awesome and funny and beautiful and charming and loving child will be back.
And you will feel the Mom joy once again.
Happens every time.
Happy Mother’s Day to All of us!
Tina Drakakis blogs at Eyerollingmom and was just featured in the Boston production of “Listen to Your Mother: Giving Motherhood a Microphone.” She takes on the cyberspace @Eyerollingmom and Eyerollingmom.