I am no different than most moms. I make a boatload of mistakes in my parenting but sometimes – way down the line when my missteps don’t seem so embarrassing – I make sure I let other moms know them (strength in numbers, gals). So I won’t mince words when I admit that when it comes to kids and cellphones, I was kind of an idiot. Past tense, for really, I feel a fool no more.
I have four kids. The older two are college age (cue in a plethora of OTHER worries, thankyouverymuch) but my younger two are teens. And boys. I know, groan, right? Teenage boys are dumb enough to begin with, let alone with access to handheld porn, but this constant connectedness before the onset of acne brings a whole new freak show to parenting. Sure there were cell phone fights with my first two but these smartphone smack-downs are ridiculously worse. These monsters we have created kids are obsessive – and it is getting completely out of hand.
It’s a huge, festering problem and most parents know it … yet can’t seem to get a handle on it. So listen, exasperated parents, and calmly repeat after me: Take back the phone, take back the kid.
A quick story: Last summer my ninth grader did a pretty stupid (alas, typical) teenage thing at the beginning of the summer. We were furious and immediately shot that parental arrow smack dab into his Achilles Heel: we took away his phone until the first day of school. That’s right. The entire summer.
Now, we fully expected a miserable 10 weeks of epic hormonal proportion and duly braced ourselves. But a funny thing happened during that time. Our kid returned. I don’t even think we were entirely aware he’d been missing so long but for certain his pleasant personality and funny disposition had been hibernating for some time. It turned into an enjoyable summer, full of conversation (remember conversation?) and eye contact (remember eye contact?) and it was nice. Really, really nice. I had an epiphany at that time and have since changed the way I parent my teens with their cell phones. So by all means, do learn from my mistakes and take heed:
Steadfast Rule # 1: Limit the phone. Every. Single. Day.
A few years ago, parents everywhere welcomed the teen cell phone. No apologies – of course we did! We could reach our beloveds at our will, know exactly when to pick them up, and ease their mortification of being the last kid standing at the movie theater. (Pretty amazing any generation ever survived that, right?) The truth is, somewhere between those dinosaur days and the present, parents have somehow forgotten that cell phones aren’t life-saving devices all the time – especially when our kids are nestled safely in our homes. It may be an adolescent way of life nowadays but cell phones are certainly NOT a necessity. What started as a means of communication to ease guilt-ridden parents has morphed into this absurd entitlement of round-the-clock entertainment. We created this beast. We need to reel it back in. Start taking phones when teens walk in the door. Bonus: You’re bound to hear more about their day if you do.
Rule # 2: Keep the Phone Nearby
Don’t have the kahunas to follow through with Rule # 1? Then take a smaller step: Don’t allow teen phones off your main floor. Especially if bedrooms are located upstairs, make sure phones are used, charged, and visible where most people congregate at all times (this holds true with computers, too). Bonus: This reduces the inevitable Mole Syndrome, where your teenager stays behind a closed door for hours, only exiting to eat.
Rule # 3: Take the phones with you when you go to bed at night.
Not-so-shocking news flash here: Kids who sleep with cell phones in their rooms aren’t really sleeping much at all. They’re sending and receiving text messages (and other nonsense) with all the other kids who also retired for the night with their phones. Mine tried to tell me he needed it for the alarm. Bull dinkies. I showed him how to set an actual alarm clock (oooh, mom’s a magician). Good grief, parents: kids behind closed doors socializing all night long? Such a ludicrous and completely unnecessary concept if you really think about it. Just say no. Bonus: Believing they’ve missed twelve hours of breaking social news, they’ll surely get up faster in the morning, too.
Rule # 4: Use a smartphone like a dangled carrot every chance you get.
Sad but true: most kids get their first cell phone before their first job, which basically means their parents are stuck working longer and harder to pay for it. I make sure my kids know that since they may be too young to be legally employed, their only “job” is to do well in school, pitch in around the house, and be an upstanding citizen. Come on now, isn’t that the very least they should be doing for the privilege of using such expensive equipment? But they’re kids – and there’s always going to be a thing or two they need to work on. To save my own life, I could not get either of my boys to bring wet towels out of their room. I’d scream and squawk about it every day of every week. Now every morning before they leave for school, in order to get their phones (which naturally are with me) I’m shown the towels they’re hanging up. Viola! An exchange of goods is made and bam, my mornings are a lot less cranky. By all means, use the force — of the phone bill you pay – to get back control: stop chasing down missing school assignments, incomplete homeworks or baskets of laundry that need to be put away. You pay for it. The privilege of using it should be earned. Period. Bonus: Easy. Life lesson of what’s expected in the real world.
Rule # 5: Know the password to get into the phone.
This might seem like a no-brainer but remember, I’m a former idiot about this. The cold hard truth is (and don’t kill the messenger here) eighth grade girls are sending pictures of their boobies to boys and boys younger than eighth grade are looking at all sorts of things worse than boobies on their phones. Honestly, (and I know I’ll get some slack for this) I don’t make it a habit of checking my kids’ texts or photos or anything really. I do allow for some degree of adolescent privacy because I am acutely aware: If my own mother ever knew some of the things I wrote (ON PAPER) to friends (AND BOYFRIENDS) there’s a good chance my internal organs would’ve melted from heated shame. But. And here’s the big but: I can check my kids’ phones at any given time. They know this, and they also know that when I put my hand out to do a random check, that phone is mine, with no questions asked. I’m not saying they’re not doing stupid thing with their smartphones (again, boys: it’s pretty much a given they are). I’m just saying that if the constant possibility of Mommy seeing it makes them think twice about doing it in the first place, I’ll take it. Bonus: Always smart to keep ’em on their toes. Always.
Listen, nothing is guaranteed here.
But kids – teens especially, crave boundaries.
We’ve got to give them some.
This is an easy fix, parents.
Take back the phone, take back the kid.
* * * * *
Read any good books lately? Start one here: A Collection Of Eyerolls: A Momoir
Chapter 1, Click here: https://tinadrakakis.com/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-eyerolls-chapter-1-yes-billy-joel-we-will-all-go-down-together/
Chapter 2, Click here: https://tinadrakakis.com/2017/08/13/chapter-2-sometimes-kids-suck-a-lot/
Chapter 3, Click here: https://tinadrakakis.com/2017/09/22/chapter-3-sorry-were-tied-all-kids-are-filthy/
Chapter 4, Click here: https://tinadrakakis.com/2017/12/02/a-momoir-chapter-4-a-moms-plea-to-seth-rogen-enough-with-the-masturbation-already/
Tina Drakakis blogs at Eyerollingmom and was featured in the 2014 Boston production of “Listen to Your Mother: Giving Motherhood a Microphone.” Her work has been featured in NPR’s “This I Believe” radio series yet she places “Most Popular 1984” on top of her list of achievements. (Next would be the home improvement reality TV show of 2003 but her kids won’t let her talk about that anymore). A witty mother of four, she takes on cyberspace as @Eyerollingmom on Twitter and Eyerollingmom on Facebook. and@Eyerollingmom on Instagram.
Eyerollingmom 
You are, for sure, a stronger and better parent than me Tina. I’m thinking of sending my daughter out your way so she can see that I’m not the meanest mom after all. (And by meanest I mean most awesome of course!)
Yep. My kids both have phones, have for years, but not “smart” phones. 1) too expensive (single-mom budget) and 2) every reason you listed here.
I learned the hard way to monitor tech, when I got a strange notation on my bank statement. $40 I hadn’t spent!!! I called, and raised hell with the bank, who couldn’t tell me what the charge was for. They gave me a 1-800 number to call. I called. Raised more hell. After much hemming and hawing, I got through to a supervisor who explained that they’re a site that collects payments for various other sites. I asked how the hell they got my credit card info. She mentioned an e-mail address. It was my 9yo son’s.
Then she mentioned the name of the site. I shit you not, “Boobies.com”
My boy, Thing1, and his bestie, Thing2, had gotten into my purse, taken my card, and bought themselves a freaking porn membership.
Horrified, sick, furious, and even mildly amused, you name it, I felt it. I got the charges reversed and both boys were grounded for 2 months. After that, computer time was strictly supervised.
It could have been so much worse. There are some truly horrific sites out there in Internet Land, and you don’t need a credit card to see some pretty scarring images. In the 5 years since the Boobies.com incident, I’ve lengthened the rope a bit and my kids both have fairly free access to the ‘web now. They are both, however, fully aware, that Mom has the ability to see what sites they’ve visited and what they’ve viewed. I have all passwords, and do periodic history and IP checks. (History can be erased from an individual device, but there are programs that remotely record all sites visited on your home internet.)
I blatantly hold the wifi password hostage, and offer no apologies. Sometimes you just have to be “that mom.” The mean one. The stakes are too high not to be.
It’s good to read this wisdom in advance. Common sense, all of it, but it’s funny how we lose our minds before we get our feet under us in this parenting gig. Mine is 8, and lord only knows but he’ll have a smartchip in his brain before I get him prepped for launch, but hopefully I’ll still be able to have the password.