A friend shot me a note the other day which read simply, “Can you please write a blog about boys pissing on the toilet seat? To which I immediately replied:
“No, but I can write one about boys pissing into cups and Gatorade bottles and leaving them in their bedrooms … and then hurling them out the window when their mom loses her shit over finding them.”
(My friends know: this is 100% truth and the reason my husband will not drink out of plastic cups anymore.)
Honestly. So many stories still untold. It’s like the Naked City – only there’s usually actual nakedness (because boys step over all the wet towels already on the floors).
There’s a reason why all these gems float around my head and never make it to the page. I’ve found myself in that interesting yet ironic state of Perpetually Pissed and Profoundly Proud Parenting: when my entire emotional state fluctuates between one extreme and the other.
Kids cause that.
I don’t know what to write about half the time because by the time I’m done revealing reasons of happiness or reflection I usually want to throat punch someone.
If you think about it, it’s a pretty remarkable paradox. And no matter the ages of my kids, and despite how many times I remind myself that much of what now happens in life is out of my hands, these kids still have complete control over which way that pendulum swings.
My 3rd kid just graduated high school and of course, it was the momentous, magnificent whirlwind of ceremony it should have been. (Disclaimer: this coming from a mom who has repeatedly deemed graduating high school No Big Deal). But the Kid did alright. Acceptance into a damn good school, a couple of nice scholarships and a bona fide bang-up senior year chock full of awesome memories. My heart’s been full for seemingly months at a go and I will not lie, it’s been a fine, fine time for us.
Welp. My boast balloon burst as soon as I got the text message at work asking if I’d left him a template for the Thank You cards he was writing following his grad party. A template. Followed by his query, “How do I address an envelope?” Good God. Off to college he goes?
To quote a very agitated tween, I just can’t even.
Bringing up the adolescence rear in our household, my youngest, too, turned his sophomore year into an impressive array of academic and athletic accolades. Really, he’s the Mayor. So adored. So praised. But it is astounding that he hasn’t yet choked on the ridiculously short leash we have him on due to all the stupid choices he keeps making. He seems to keep forgetting he is our fourth child and we have seen this movie. And we know how it ends. Lather, rinse, repeat.
To quote another very agitated tween, SMH.
But wait — the Jeckyll and Hyde of emotions isn’t just limited to the confines of my home anymore either, for even chicks that have flown my coop (some states may refer to them as “adults”) are adept at keeping my angst ablaze.
Like … my oldest, off in his first apartment (yay!), carrying a full-time job AND full-time school course load (hooray!), excitedly bragging about booking flights for his first “grown-up vacation” (wow!) … which he planned … on the very weekend of his sister’s college graduation. Are you kidding me?
Or … my daughter (she of the above reference) … announcing upon said graduation (pride!) that to begin her first job (congrats!) she would be driving cross country (what?) … to Utah (ummmmmmm) … alone (whaaaaaat???) … and … not to worry .. because everything will be fine…
(End note: in the end, she did not. Only due to sheer logistics, not parental pleas. Naturally.)
Sigh. Remember when we thought baby colic and constipation were a thing?
A very wise friend once declared “Little kids, little problems.”
These aren’t problems, I know. Merely slices of life that keep that damn pendulum swinging.
Parents already know: life is pretty damn amazing (and hilarious and heartbreaking and unmatched) dodging that damn thing.
My wrinkles (and wine bloat and grey hair) notwithstanding, I know wouldn’t trade a day of it. I mean, come on, they are kinda funny.
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Tina Drakakis blogs at Eyerollingmom and has been featured in HuffPost. She appeared in the Boston production of “Listen to Your Mother: Giving Motherhood a Microphone.” Her work has been featured in NPR’s “This I Believe” radio series yet she places “Most Popular 1984” on top of her list of achievements. (Next would be the home improvement reality TV show of 2003 but her kids won’t let her talk about that anymore). A witty mother of four, she takes on cyberspace as @Eyerollingmom on Twitter and Eyerollingmom on Facebook & @Eyerollingmom on Instagram. Her collection of essays, A Momoir, can be found here